Harry Potter The Musical Panda Version
by XxArixX
Summary: MY version of Harry Potter! Epic crack fic. Missing some vital parts because it seems better to make you confused. Now with a list of what YOU have learned from your awesome reviews! Beware of F-bombs...
1. Sorcerers Stone

I actually want to _thank _someone who reviewed my story for giving me this idea. Even if they did epically hate hate my Twilight crack and assume something about me that is _TOTALLY _WRONG, it was still actually a funny review. They didn't sign it though. But I respect their point of view, because I know that not everyone is going to like a story.

But for the record, my happiness is the highest it's **_ever _**been and is _**no **_concern of **_yours_**, so _**SUCK ON THAT, BITCH!**_

My most _favorite _review however was LadyEmjazz for giving me a gold star. And an A+. _And _a cookie.

I also love anyone else who reviewed! You made me happy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stories belong to the amazing J.K Rowling.

Warning: Epic crack ensues. Common side effects are laughing, hiccuping, yawning, exhaustion, and breaking out into random dance moves. If you have brain trauma or bladder problems, please click the back button.

Still here???

_GREAT_!

* * *

Once upon a time, in a small town in England with a weird English name (that _REALLY _should be French, I mean, c'mon, Privet Drive? It's pronounced PRIVY! French make T's silent.) there was an obscenely old man, with a long purple dress and a tall pointy hat. With a beard. Along with him was another old-yet-not-as-obscenely-old-as-the-other-dude woman dressed in long green... robe... things... and a pointy hat. With spectacles. (Because spectacles are an epic win on old people.)

Some few seconds later, a large motorcycle came flying down from the sky. Don't ask how no muggles saw it. (They probably thought they were drunk or somethin'...) On the motorcycle was an _OMGEPICHUGE _man with more hair than big foot, and he was carrying a small basket, which seemed to be the only thing _NORMAL _in this picture.

"Come Hagrid, we must now leave him with his only relatives we know, even though Sirius is his godfather, and put him in the hands of these abusive muggles so he may live in semi-peace!" The old man said. Hagrid, the epic huge man, gave the small basket to the old man with a sniffle-sneeze.

"There. Goodbye, Harry whatever-the-_hell_-your-middle-name-is Potter." The old man smiled and set the basket on the steps, ringing the door bell.

_SOME 12 YEARS IN HELL LATER_, we revisit the child Harry Potter. He is currently sleeping in his.... cupboard... thing... And is about to be waken up by his cousin! Let us observe...

Dudley, a a large, fat slob of a pig_I MEAN BOY_..... comes running down the stairs!

And I wont go into what else happens because, let's face it, that shits boring. _WE _want to see when Harry gets into _HOGWARTS_! Because that's when the _GOOD _shit happens.

* * *

So, Harry goes to Hogwarts, which is this huge Gothic-looking school for witches and wizards and centaurs and vampires and elves and goblins and giants and and and.... _hippogriffs _and... _Wizards _and shit!

Harry goes up in front of every single witch and wizard he's going to have to live with for the next seven years, just so the old woman from before, known as McGonagall, can put a point hat on him.

"This is it?" Harry asks in his high-pitch, girly, pre-pubescent voice. Suddenly the hat speaks, because everything in the HP world is just _fucked _up like that. The house talks to itself for a bit, about what, god only knows, before yelling.

"GRIFFENDOR _BITCHES_!" (Oh yeah, It's a _gangster _hat.)

Harry goes over to the long red table, where he will be sitting for the next _SEVEN _YEARS. He's there with his BFF Ron, who's got some red hair and lots of freckles and has like, a million other brothers, and Hermione, a brainy little know-it-all who pisses everyone off with her vast, useless knowledge. There's also Neville, an adorable little plant-nerd who is a magnet for danger.

* * *

So, in Harry's first year, all goes well until he meet's a weird professor who looks like he's trying to be _ARABIC _with his damn turban. He also has a stuttering problem and smells funny. Anyway, so Professor Quirell (rhymes with _Squirrel_) was the DADA teacher, and Snap was the Dark Arts teacher.

'Snap looked like he could use a nice long _bubble bath_', Harry decides one day. Because, _really_, who doesn't like a good bubble bath?

_ANYWAY_, so The year goes on, And Harry hears some crazy ass English names (Draco. Hermione. Neville. _Severus_. I really could go on for a while with this.) and decides that Whoever thought up the names in the English language was high on _crack_. On his adventures through Hogwarts (skipping merrily through the halls, humming '_joy to the world_' while swinging his books. Imagine it, really.) he runs into a huge dog with three heads named Fluffy. Who tries to _eat _him. (Fluffy doesn't get much good food these days, and first-years taste the best!)

Afterwords, Harry decides that Fluffy was simply protecting something, not trying to eat him! It was only logical! (in the mind of Harry Potter _ONLY_.) And decided to get Ron and Hermione in on it, because come on, it isn't an adventure without your BFF's.

Eventually, they decide to go to the Fluffy, to find him sleeping be some weird spell put on a harp that seemed to magically appear out of no where. So they decided to try and find a trap door, and _BEHOLD_, what did they find? Ron covered in dog slobber and man eating plants.

They somehow make it into this weird place with this _GIANT _chess set because wizard chess just fucking rocks like that. So they play some chess, but since the set is big, they need to be the characters themselves instead of just going back and going to bed like good little first-years. So they destroy the opposing force (the black side, I _believe_) and Harry continues of his jolly way down the dungeon to find Quirell, in all his quirky, Arabic-wannabe goodness! So Harry's like "Oh, professor, what a _coincidence _that you would be _randomly _down here with the mirror I saw before that shows you what you want!" and just basically gives the mirror away.

So then Quirell's all like "Give me the _stooooone_!" And he's reaching out with his freaky hand. "What stone? OH, _THAAAT _stone! Right, that one! …... Sorry mate, I don't have it." Harry responds casually.

So Quirell get's all pissed off and takes off his turban to reveal...

_HIS BALDNESS!!!!!!!_

"NO, THE _BALDNESS_, IT BLINDS ME!" Harry yells and shields his eyes. So Quirell's all like "-.- INCOLENT _FOOOOL_!!!!" and turns around to show another face on the back of his head, where his hair _SHOULD _be.

So Harry's like "OH NOES ITS _VOLDYMORT_!" and Voldemort ('s face) is like "_MWAHAHAHAHA _I LIIIIVE!!! NOW GIVETH ME THE STOOOOONE!!!!"

So an Epic battle begins, and turns out that Harry does have the stone, so he's like "_OOOOH_, Whoops. Sorry." and shit and he uses the stone to turn Voldemort and Quirell into stone _MUSH _before _ANYONE _comes which is a _LONG _time because these old people don't move like they used to.

"Congratulations Ben!"

"_Harry_, Sir."

"Harry! You saved Hoggywarts from the evil clutches of Volde-wart, and we are once again saved!" Dumbledore announces. Harry smiled widely. "Thank you sir!" he responds.

".... For what?" Dumbledore looks around curiously. "Are we in the underground railroad?" he asks.

"_No_, you old fool! We're in _HOGWARTS_! Your _SCHOOL_." McGonagall replies.

"Oh yes... Could do with a bit more decorating down this way... Or a _pub_..." Dumbledore mumbles.

McGonagall face-palms and _ALL IS SAVED IN HOGGYWARTS ONCE AGAIN!_

_DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!!!!!_

* * *

LOL I LOVED MAKING DUMBLEDORE SEEM ALL FORGETFUL AND OLD!

This one was interesting... Very interesting...


	2. Chamber Of Secrets

So, what story can I _epically _fuck up now?

That's right.

CHAMBER OF SECRETS. _HELL _YEAH.

Oh, and I'm loving the reviews for the first chapter of this story and Twilight.

I love you all! In a friendly way... I guess?

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Do I look like JK Rowling to you?

Didn't think so.

AN- I had planned to have this up earlier, really, but, some things are currently going to hell. HOWEVER, since I'm in a somewhat good/Sadistic mood, here we go~

* * *

Harry James Potter has been going to Hogwarts for one year now, With the brainy Hermione and the... _the_... the Ron. Oh, and don't forget Dumbledore.

Anyway, so Harry goes back to Hogwarts again for his second year in Witchcraft and Wizardry!

However, in his stupidity, he _somehow _manages to miss the train because he and Ron couldn't walk through a wall. So instead they take a flying car and they're like "Oh, let us catch the train _this _way!" So, they go on their merry way to the Hogwarts school.

Numerous hours later, they arrive at school after almost being flattened, Harry falling out of a car, being mercilessly _PWNED _by a tree, breaking Ron's wand and running into the Janitor. Named Filch. Not that anyone cares.

ANYWAY, so they get to school, and then Snapes' all like "YOU HAVE BEEN SEEN BY SEVEN MUGGLES, _BITCHES_!" …. Well, basically. And he's got this epic newspaper that has moving pictures and shit. Then McGonagall come in and she's like "_WO_, back off there Professor Greasy! My students! Rawr!" and then she's all like "go back to the common room." and Harry and Ron are just like "_AWESOOOOOME_." Ron also get's a yelling letter from his mom that basically said "OH HELL _NO _YOU DIDNT TAKE MY DAMN CAR!", much to the amusement of the **_ENTIRE _**school.

* * *

Pretty soon Harry starts hearing some weird shit in another language, and Hermione's like "Oh, that's not normal!" (no _SHIT_.) and then Ron's like "whoa." with his broken wand. Then, one day, people start mysteriously getting frozen (the technical word is _petrified_, but who gives a shit?) and Filch-Janitor is like "I'LL GET YOU ROTTEN KIDS!" Just like the stereotypical old man he is. Oh, ans his kitty get's frozen too.

So pretty soon the trio even find these huge, weird letters on walls saying creepy shit like "you will die in seven days" and "muffins are just ugly cupcakes". So the three of them decide to follow a trail of spiders. Now, Ron is _highly _arachnophobic, so at first he was like "WTF I AINT FOLLOWIN' NO SPIDERS!" And Harry's like "LIKE _HELL _YOU WONT! Move it bitch." and so they follow these tiny spiders into the forest where there's this HUGE ASS spider that tries to eat them. They are then rescued by the flying car and fly back to Hogwarts. Then the car leaves and is never seen again.

* * *

As the year goes on, more and more people get petrified, Draco calls Hermione a mud-blood (seriously, that is so stupid. No one had Blood made of mud...) and she goes all pissed off and Ron gets hexed by himself and throws up small, slimy creatures known as slugs.

_EVENTUALLY_, AFTER FOUR HOURS OF TORTURE, Harry finally gets into this weird, underground place known as the chamber of secrets, which happens to be under the sinks in the bathroom. Figures.

Anyway, so Harry, Ron and a weird ass teacher known as Lockehart (which is _SUCH _a video game name...) go into this weird chamber to find Tom Marvelo Riddle, who somehow has his name change into I Am Lord Voldemort or some such shit. Anyway, so Tom's all like "YOU GONNA DIE" and Harry's like "BITCH, _please_, you cant kill me, I killed Voldemort." So then this Epic battle between Harry and a HUGE ASS snake happens, and Harry wins. Then Tom's all like "_NOES_!" and Harry find a diary (and Ginny, but we'll get to her later) and starts _STABBING THE HELL OUT OF IT_ with a tooth instead of the SWORD he was given by some weird flying bird. Then Tom breaks into tiny little pieces, never to be seen again.

* * *

And of course, late as always, Harry ends up in Dumbledore's office, and he's all like "Ah, good to see you Jerry,"

"_Harry_, Sir."

"Harry, very pleasant. You do look _splendid_."

"Sir, I just killed Lord Voldemort and his snake..."

"_Fantastic_! How'd it go?"

"It sucked you old moron!"

"what sucked?"

"what?"

"_what_?"

And Harry face-palms.

* * *

YES, ONCE AGAIN, I AM MISSING VITAL INFO. THIS IS GOOD. TRUST ME. I love reviews, my current Favorite is JustineXD for her _EPIC _review on part one~


	3. Prisoner of Azkaban

Okay, so, I probably should have had this up _sooner_, but oh well.

BACK TO THE EPIC FUCKED-UPNESS OF _CRACK_!

I have noticed that I have a _TON _of cuss words in here... I should probably add a warning...

**WARNING: TON'S OF CUSSING AND SHIT.**

There we go! All better! _ANYWAY_.

THANK YOU- Rachelnot, JustinneXD, Purple-psychopath, and mindreadingweirdo for such epic reviews! And thanks to everyone that reviewed my Twilight crack! I love the review's people, keep 'em coming! (To put it in better words- The more reviews I have, the sooner you get epic, crack-filled chapters of this story.)

LET THE CRACK _BEGIN_.

* * *

So, after another long ass summer with his muggle relatives from _Hell_, Harry goes back to Hogwarts yet again! What adventures await our young hero this time, you ask? Well, your gonna have to wait and see, bitches.

* * *

Harry's on the train with Hermione, who's bushy hair has been tamed somewhat, and Ron, who's still as clueless as ever. Suddenly, the train stops, and everyone's just like "what the fuck?" and shit. Then this creepy ass _Death _looking thing comes up and Harry faints (I don't care if men say they '_passed out_', that bitch _fainted_!) and everyone's like "NOES, HARRY!"

When Harry wakes back up, Hermione and Ron are all like "WTF just happened?", and there's a new guy in the compartment! (well, he was actually _always _there, but he doesn't make his big introduction until now)named Remus Lupin and he's all like "Want some chocolate?" with his weirdness.

When they get to Hogwarts, Dumbledore's like "IT IS NOT _SHAVE_!" At his epic podium. McGonagall face-palms and is like "It's not _SAFE_, you bloody moron!" And Dumbledore's like "that's what I said!"

Hagrid turns out to be the teacher in some weird-ass creature class with Hippogriffs and shit, and takes the students to see Buckbeak, which is some strange combination between an eagle and a _horse_...

ANYWAY, so Draco, like the stupid little moron he is, goes up and is like "Bow down to Malfoy, _bitch_!" to Buckbeak, who basically mauls his arm like "bitch, _please_, you bow down to _ME_." before Hagrid's like "NOES!" and lures him off with a dead (1)FERRET. And then Draco's like "NOES, MY BEAUTIFUL ARM!" and is all whiny and bitchy and goes to the hospital wing.

AFTER THAT, Buckbeak is sentenced to death because Draco's father, Lucius, is like "I USE MY AUTHORITY!" and get's him killed. What a _shame_.

* * *

So that happens, and Ron is bitten by his pet rat, Scabbers, who runs off, so they run after it, only to have Ron get pulled down into a HOLE by some weird ass dog. Then Hermione's like "NOES, RON!" because she secretly loves him even though she wont admit it because she has mental problems like that. So they go down into the hole to save Ron's dumb ass, and they end up in the shrieking shack! Don't ask why it's called the shrieking shack, I do _NOT _know. Anyway, so they go down there, and this weird dude is down there named Sirius Black, and he like, mauled Ron's leg because it turns out he's an animagus. Whatever the hell _that _means. ANYWAY, so then the Lupin guy shows up, who happens to be the new DADA teacher (Quirell died, Lockheart lost his memory) and is all like "HEY, 'SUP?" And Sirius is like "OMFG I FOUNDED HIM!" And shit.

Then SNAPE show's up and it's just a party now, and Harry hits him with some weird spell and he lands on a... a... _bed_? I think?

_ANYWAY_, so it turns out that Ron's pet _ISNT _a rat, but it's a PERSON! Named _wormtail_... who works for Voldemort. So then Sirius tries to kill him, and they all end up outside of the rabbit hole and then Wormtail get's away with all his icky... yucky... _worm_-ness... And then Lupin turns into a freaking wolf because _NOBODY _is normal in Harry _Fucking _Potter!

Anyway, so Sirius gets pwned by Lupin and lays dying with Harry next to the black lake, and then Harry faints (_again_) and wakes up in the hospital wing! With Hermione, and Ron, who's leg is all mangled and shit. So then Hermione has this freaky thing that can do weird shit to time. So they go back in time, save Buckbeak, save Sirius, save Harry, and some other weird ass shit (but somehow they couldn't go back and catch Wormtail? What the _fuck_?" and then they go back into their own time before dinner!

So then Harry goes to Lupin (Who's going away, *****_sniff sniff_*****) and is like "Your a _WEREWOLF_?" and stuff and Lupin's like "Why yes, I am!" and is all like... _yeah _and stuff. So Lupin leaves, and Harry's back in Dumbledore's office, _AGAIN_.

* * *

"You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Why _yes _Barry, I did!"

"Harry, sir. My name is _HARRY_."

"That's what I said, Barry. Anyhow, how was your year?"

"OH, MY YEAR WAS SUNSHINES, AND DAISIES, AN- HOW THE _HELL _DO YOU THINK IT WAS? Ron's leg was almost TOOK OFF by my SUPPOSED GODFATHER."

"Oh yes, it _was_, wasn't it? Poor dear, I hope she feel's better soon!"

"... What. The. _Fuck_?"

* * *

SO. What did you think of _THAT_?

(1)- I think it's sort of funny that Buckbeak eats ferrets, and then the next year Draco is turned _INTO _a ferret, and in third year Buckbeak tries to maul him. Coincidence? I think _NOT_.

(Buckbeak is just psychic like that *nods*)

* * *

Okay, I had to do this. I am counting how many times I saw certain words.

ANYWAY was said a grand total of 6 times

SHIT was said a grand total of 6 times

FUCK was said a grand total of 4 times

If I mis-counted, let me know.


	4. Whatever The Fourth One Is

We're back, with yet another Epic installment of the Harry Potter Crack Series!

However, before we get started, I have some lovely review's to address. (If you don't care about review's, skip, if you care, well keep reading damn it! Why are you still reading this line?)

Searena= LMAO I'm not too sure you want to know what goes on up there. It is a vast, uncharted world filled with candy and LOL's!

Renesmeecullenisme= Yes, Buckbeak eats ferrets. I didn't really know either until a year or so ago. When I found out I was like "HOLY SHIT, REALLY?" And thank you for putting this story on your favorites!

JustinneXD (AKA my favorite reviewer! You need a cookie!)= Yeah, the Malfoy part was fun! Good 'ol Buckbeak! And as for the next one, here it is! FINALLY!

Well, that ends our review cover... thingy... NOW LET'S FUCK SOME SHIT UP!

A/N: Yes. I know. It's late. It's always late. BUT, It's to keep all my reader's in suspense! DUN DUN DUN DUUUUN!

* * *

Our heroes at Hogwarts return for yet another fun filled year, with longer hair, bigger attitudes, and fucking dress robes! But we'll get to that shit later.

So Harry is yet again embarking on the magical train to Hogwarts, with Hermione and Ron, who, I will note, seems to be getting stupider every year. (Or is that just me?) I will also note that Harry's hair looks like a mop. As does Ron's. Anyway, moving on!

So they get to Hogwarts, and everyone's like "yay, Hogwarts!" and shit, and there in the big grand, eating room thing (seriously, what is it called?) and then Dumbledore's like "THIS YEAR, WE SHALL HAVE SOME EPIC, SEXY STUDENTS FROM OTHER SCHOOLS FOR THE TREE-WIZARD TOURNAMENT!"

So these big, freaky guys come in from some school called Durmstrang in Bulgaria, and there all like "HA, we have pimp canes, bitches!" And everyone's like "HOLY SHIT!" and shit, then these pretty blonde girls come from this other school in France run by this giant woman named Maxime, who does happen to be a giant, and her students are all like "Ha, we're prettier than you!" to the Hogwarts girls, and all the guys are like "hot damn, I'd tap that" and other obscene language and crazy ass shit.

So, Dumbledore goes on about the amazing tri-wizard tournament, and all its epic amazingness, and whoever wins will have everlasting glory or some such shit. So then everyone's like "OOOOH, SHINY" But then Dumbledore kills the mood and is all like "ONLY SEVENTH YEARS BITCHES!" And then everyone who ISNT seventh year is like "Damn..."

Anyway, so then nothing of particular interest happens (Krum being chased by rabid fan girls, Hermione doing some character bashing, possibly a stupid Malfoy scene or two) until it's time to pick the three people competing and everyone's like "GO (insert whoever was picked here)" and stuff. So then Dumbledore's like "WE HAVE OUR THREE CHAMPIONS! GO BACK TO YOUR COMMON ROOMS YOU UNLUCKY SONS OF BITCHES!" and other degrading stuff until the goblet thing pops out another name and Dumbledore's like "Wtf?" but reads the name anyway.

"Harry... Potter... Who the hell is Harry Potter?" Dumbledore asks. Meanwhile, Harry is like "the fuck?" and Ron's like "fuck you, I'm not your bff anymore" and shit. So Harry goes up to Dumbledore and is like "Yo" and Dumbledore's like "Oh, it's you Larry!"

"Harry, sir."

"Harry, that's what I said. Is there something I can help you with?"

"You pulled my name out of the goblet, sir..."

"Goblet?"

"yes."

"What goblet?"

"The one your standing next to..."

"Oh, that? That's not a goblet. It's a chamber pot."

And Harry was like 0.o "ew..."

ANYWAY, moving on. So Harry competes in the Epic tri-wizard tournament, Get's nearly mauled by a dragon, get's a fancy golden negg (ERM, egg... right... egg...), goes underwater where Neville officially kills him for 45 seconds, saves Ron's sorry, red-headed ass, and get's suddenly very famous and very popular, all within the course of two hours!

The final tri-wizard tournament challenge was to go into this huge maze made entirely of plants that you could just cut through and find the goblet which happens to be a port key. Simple. But of course, only the characters of Harry Potter could fuck this up.

And they did.

Krum goes insane and nearly kills Harry, Harry teams up with Cedric (who looks suspiciously like a certain American, sparkly vampire...), they find the port key, get transported to a graveyard, Cedric's ass get's avada-kadavera'd, Harry goes emo for a whole five seconds, Voldy's like "OOOOH, I'M NOT TOUCHING YOOOOU, NOW I AM!", Harry screams, (oh, the wonders that could be done with that scene when it was in writing... LOL Voldy's a pedophile~) Oh, Voldy also gets dropped into a pot, Harry get's port-keyed back to Hogwarts before Voldy kills him and is like "DAMNIT I ALMOST HAD HIM! AGAIN!" and goes to be Emo until the next Movie.

And all this happens in what, an hour and a half?

Anyway, so Harry goes to Moody's office (this dude that important that will never appear again in this series) and Moody's polyjuice potion runs out and it turns out he's, DUN DUN DUN, BARTY CROUCH JR! Amazing. Anyway, so then everyone else comes running in, late as usual, and Dumbledore's like "Hey Sevvy, I found out where all your polyjuice potion went" and Snape's like "NO. SHIT."

So then, when all is said and done for a FOURTH time, Harry is back in Dumbledore's office after another hard year.

"Ah, good afternoon Gary."

"Harry Sir. My name is Harry."

"Yes, yes of course Gary, whatever you say. Sit, my boy, sit. What did you wish to see me about?"

"Um, I didn't. You called me here."

"I did?"

"Um, yes sir. You did. Five times."

"Oh, how uncharacteristic..."

"Uh-huh... Well sir, if there's nothing you wanted, I'll just be going."

"Wait, there was something... ah, here it is!"

"Sir... that's a jar of pickles..."

"yes my boy, very observant today. I cant open them."

"... What?"

"I cant open my pickles!"

"... Sir. I hate you."

* * *

So. How was THAT? I FINALLY FINISHED!

It's about time too -.-

Now, on to number five! (this ought to be interesting.)

Oh, and just to clear something up, a Negg is a really fancy looking egg on a website called Neopets~ And since Harry's egg (god that sounds so weird) is all pretty and gold, I figured Negg would fit.


	5. Order Of The Pheonix

Okay, here comes book number five in the Epic Harry Potter crack series! Please note that I haven't seen the movie for a while, so it may be slightly... off. But, then again, its a crack series, so things are allowed to be off.

We join yet another year (WHEN DOES THIS END?) with Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ronald Weasley! And various other, not-as-important characters. That shall not be named.

Anyway, so...

Nothing really good happens in this chapter, does it? No... Oh well, I'll just highlight the good parts.

* * *

NUMBER ONE- Sirius DIES. That's right fan girls, Sirius is killed off, much to our hatred.

Ah, let us take a minute to remember the good times of Sirius Black, shall we?

Third movie- Breaks out of Azkaban. Turns into a shaggy dog. Pulls Ron into a rabbit hole. Chases a rat. Nearly gets his soul sucked out. Turns out he's Harry's long lost godfather. Rides a hippogriff.

Fourth Movie- Appears in a fire. Gives Harry information. Disappears for the rest of the movie... wait... what the fuck? SERIOUSLY?

Fifth Movie- Appears in pimped out clothing. Follows Harry to the train station. Gives Harry a seemingly pointless picture. Doesn't re-appear until the near end of the film. Gets killed by some fucking curtains.

RIP- Sirius T.T

NUMBER TWO- We see what a total nut job Bellatrix is.

I'm serious! (no pun intended) She like, kills Sirius! You have to be out of your damn mind to wanna kill that dude, hes like, awesome!

NUMBER THREE- Lucius has nice hair.

I'm serious about this part too. Seriously, he has some awesome hair. I would LOVE to have that dudes hair. Except, not blonde. Maybe a nice dark brown...

NUMBER FOUR- Umbridge gets her ass HANDED TO HER.

SERIOUSLY! HELL YEAH!

NUMBER FIVE- …. I... Actually, I don't have a number six... damn...

Also, I have said Serious seven times. Seriously. (eight...)

* * *

So. Did you like my little count off? I know, probably not what you were expecting, but really, nothing good happens in the fifth movie. Or book. Damn you JK Rowling for making a filler!

Sixth will be here soon~ Possibly.


	6. HalfBlood Prince

Well. Here we go again. This ones an actual story, not a list~

AFTER THIS IS THE FINAL INSTALLMENT! WOOHOO! WE'RE SO _CLOSE_!

Also, I listened to Sexy Back while writing this. It just made it all _THAT_ much funnier.

So. Yet another epic year with the trio of Hogwarts.

Anyway, so Harry, upon the beginnings of this year, is all like "FUCK IT I'M GOING EMO! DAMN THIS SHIT TO _HELL_!" and Hermione's all like "If you go emo I will bitch slap you and tell Ginny you wear tampons, NOW GET YOUR ASS OUT THERE AND SAVE THE WIZARDING WORLD AGAIN!" With all her authority (believe it or not, she has a _LOT_) and Ron's like "Yeah! What she said!" and shit.

So Harry's like "damn..." but goes and saves the world yet again. Sort of.

So this year there's this huge ass teacher for the DADA class, and everyone's like "another one? _Really_?" and Dumbledore's like "_JERRY_, I NEED YOU TO GET MEMORIES FROM SLUGGY!" and Harry's like "IT'S _HARRY_, DAMN IT!" and Dumbledore's all like "whatever, just go get the money from him."

"what money?"

"money? Where?"

"you just... just said to get money from.. Slughorn..."

"No I didn't! Whatever gave you the idea?"

"Sir, you ju-"

"_Perry_, I will not have you accusing the paintings of pimping, now go to class."

and Harry's like "_Wtf_?" but goes to class anyway.

Meanwhile, Dumbledore's going through his 'Tom Memory' and shit and is all like "I don't remember saying that..." and McGonagall's just like "You don't even remember lunch you old buffoon."

_MEANWHILE_, Professor Greasy, also known as Snape, is currently plotting the downfall of Albus (insert _shit_ load of middle names here) Dumbledore and going "SOON I SHALL RULE IT ALL, _MWAHAHAHAHAHA_!" and Dumbledore's like "I have the feeling I'm going to die soon..." and McGonagall is all face-palm and crap.

Then, for the majority of the movie Harry's like "GIMMIE THE MEMORY" and Slughorn's like "NO, MY MEMORY!" and stuff and then Harry drinks this magic lucky potion he got from the lucky charms leprechaun for five bucks (or pounds, whichever you prefer) and is all like "I'M GONNA GO VISIT _HAGRID_ :D" and Hermione's like "NO! IT GAVE HIM ADHD!" and Ron's like "Oh no. what a shame. Whatever shall we do now?" and Hermione says "Looks like defeating Voldemort's all up to _you_, Ron." and Ron's like "HELL NO, GO TO SLUGGY, HARRY!"

So Harry visits Slughorn and Hagrid, because the giant spider from the second movie died and discovers Slughorn's dead fish that went '_poof_' and that Hagrid sucks at singing. So then Harry gets the memory and is like "_FUCK_ YES!" and then Dumbledore drops _THIS_ bombshell- "HEY, _TERRY_, WE'RE GOING TO A SECRET CAVE THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT AND WE COULD POSSIBLE DIE BUT WHO CARES? :D" and Harry's like "Shit..."

So they go to said secret cave and Dumbledore's like "and now I shall cut my hand.." and Harry's like "No, sir, let me do it, I'm emo!" and Dumbledore's like "Bitch, your no more emo than Paris Hilton, stand aside!" so Dumbledore cuts his hand and they get into the cave and he drinks this weird stuff that gives you seizures ALL TO GET THE WRONG ITEM and then they go back to Hogwarts, and Dumbledore's like "_Sherri_, I could die. These are my last words to you- LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!" Before getting Avada Kadavera'd off the side of the school and Harry's like "MY NAME IS HARRY _FUCKING_ POTTER!" and shit and then he's like "aw shit, he's dead." and stuff and Malfoy's like "sad face..." and Snape's all like "YES, YES, _MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_ I WIN! I _WIN_!" and everyone's like o.O "wtf?" and then Snape's like "AWAY, DRACO, TO THE BAT MOBILE!"

So, at the end of the year, there's a funeral, a missing student, no headmaster, a missing DA teacher, a fake locket, and no one to call Harry the wrong name anymore.

How tragic...

_Well_, look's like Dumbledore's a Trekkie~

Beware of the next one. It may not be what you think.


	7. Forty Things From Harry Potter

The final installment of the Harry Potter Crack Series.

I think this is gonna be interesting.

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REVIEW ANSWER TIME!

Just for a note- Yes, I know number five was totally unexpected, but thanks for the LOLS anyway!

AND I LOVE YOU ALL!

_

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BECAUSE_ I have yet to see the movie (because it's not even _out_ yet) and because I'm too lazy to read the book again, we're going to do things differently.

Yes yes, I know, how sad. Suck it up.

We're going down a list of awesome things that happen in book seven, with no explanations if you have yet to read it. I'm just listing things.

Then, I'm adding in a list of things we've learned. You'll see.

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LIST OF TEN AWESOME THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN BOOK SEVEN.

NUMBER ONE- Dobby died.

NUMBER TWO- Harry momentarily died, then came back to life.

NUMBER THREE- Harry saw Dumbledore in the afterlife.

NUMBER FOUR- Harry left Hogwarts.

NUMBER FIVE- Harry and Ron got into a fight.

NUMBER SIX- Ron disappears for quite a bit.

NUMBER SEVEN- Voldemort died.

NUMBER EIGHT- Harry Marries Ginny. And they have kids. Lots of them.

NUMBER NINE- Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny are all related now.

NUMBER TEN- JK Rowling specifically left Draco's wife un-named for all the ferret-loving fan girls out there.

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Now. For a list of things we've learned from Harry Potter over the years.

* * *

One: Harry is in-_fucking_-vincible.

Two: Wizards cant get cut by glass.

Three: There is a potion for _EVERYTHING_.

Four: Muggles suck.

Five: Mudblood is apparently an offensive term.

Six: No, not all witches have black cats.

Seven: They don't all have _cats_, either.

Eight: The sorting hat is more gangster than you will ever be.

Nine: Curtains can kill you.

Ten: Beware bald guys with no noses.

Eleven: If you mouse is missing a toe, kill it.

Twelve: If your mouse if over 9 years old, kill it.

Thirteen: Never trust twins.

Fourteen: Never have more than two kids- One's gonna die eventually.

Fifteen: Wizards use quills. Never ask where they come from, just go with it.

Sixteen: Unicorns blood makes you live for extended periods of time. Sometimes.

Seventeen: You will never have more horcruxes than Voldemort.

Eighteen: Durmstrang is full of pimps.

Nineteen: Yes, the Malfoy's hair is naturally that color. (see the roots?)

Twenty: If a house elf tells you to stay away from school, stay the fuck away from school.

Twenty-one: If a giant bearded man comes into your house around 3 am, it's a good thing.

Twenty-two: Yeah, there is probably a spell that can fix your eyes, but without glasses, Harry just wouldn't be the same.

Twenty-three: And yes, there is also a _spell_ for _everything_.

Twenty-four: The lunatic's are always the awesomest people you will ever meet.

Twenty-five: Don't diss the nerd. Especially if they're named Neville.

Twenty-six: Yes, there is that one kid that has everything happen to them.

Twenty-seven: If your teacher is wearing a turban, chances are he has a face on the back of his head.

Twenty-eight: Magical red stones can turn your enemies to dust.

Twenty-nine: Yes, you can speak to snakes. However, no matter what you say, it will always translate to the snake as "_EAT_ _ME_"

Thirty: Beware of rabbit holes.

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LMAO Okay! XD If you have anymore things you learned from Hogwarts that aren't mentioned, I would love to hear them~

Well guys, it's been awesome, and I've loved every single review, and all the reviewer's! I hope you read the rest of the Crack Series Stories, and leave reviews just as good!

See ya~!


	8. Courtesy Of

Well. As none of you know, my entire computer was wiped out on July 31 around 9:30 PM. That's right. Wiped. Out. All my writings, _gone_. Absolutely. Gone. So, I've had to re-do some things, but at least I didn't have to re-do this (because I didn't even start it yet)

This is a compilation of thing's _YOU _have learned over the years from Harry Potter and sent to me, god love you all.

* * *

Wizards are medieval (courtesy of Rachel-Not)

Apparently if you come from a Wizarding family, your racist. Or shunned. (courtesy of Rachel-Not)

Wizards and Witches live a _hell _of a lot longer than normal people (courtesy of Rachel-Not)

Spells are either green or red. WTF? (courtesy of Rachel-Not)

Red heads are more common then the morals think (courtesy of Rachel-Not)

If someone dies, you name your kid after them. Don't ask why. You just _do_. (courtesy of Rachel-Not)

You marry you middle/high school sweetheart! Because really, meeting new people is just too much work. (courtesy of Rachel-Not)

When a girl has red hair, chances are she will get married to a boy with messy hair and glasses. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

Everyone get's freaked out by lightning scars. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

Voldemort has no hair. How sad. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

Ron has unlimited freckles (courtesy of JustinneXD)

Dumbledore is ancient. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

Female wizards aren't offended if you call them a '_witch_' as an insult. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

I'm running out of things to write. (courtesy of JustinneXD) (_LOVE _this one~)

When your giving birth, you must have your name in your child's name. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

Robes are good, not tacky. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

Pointed hats are awesome, and were never out of fashion. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

If your names after a star, you will die. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

First years _must _always grow smaller each year. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

Harry was a midget when he was eleven. (courtesy of JustinneXD)

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_Awesome _guy's. Keep 'em coming!


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